It may sound like an easy task but making the decision to get well is something that unfortunately many people never do. I’m not sure what helps one person to see they have a problem and become determined to work on it and another to choose to live a chaotic and unfulfilled life. In fact, according to my Therapist specialists have been debating that subject for decades. All I know is that somewhere down inside myself there was a deep curiosity as to what living a life relatively free of excessive trauma and drama was like.
The day I entered my Therapist’s office for the first time I really had no concept of how sick I truly had become. I was losing time, had huge memory losses and other aberrations but I honestly thought that everyone did. I was like a woman who had been blind from birth suddenly realizing the darkness I had always experienced was not what everyone else saw. Those first years of therapy were pure hell as the memories of what had happened to me as a child accompanied by the inevitable denial that those things could never happen to anyone kept me in a constant state of turmoil. So many times I wanted to give up but Paula, that’s my therapist’s name, urged me on and at one point she asked me, “Do you want your abusers to win?” Those became fighting words that spurred me on.
What kept me choosing to go on instead of self-destructing as I had been programmed to do because I had told the horrible family secrets? Perhaps my tenacity or just plain downright stubbornness I don’t know. In my entries to this blog I am going to share the different methods I have employed to get and stay sane and in control of my life. Some of it will be hard to read because I will be real about the obstacles I have faced. I tell you this though, against seemingly insurmountable odds I have survived the evil actions of my abusers in my past and the trauma/drama of recovery. I am now thriving and loving every minutes of every day. Even the bad things that come into my life such as sickness and disappointment are beautiful in contrast to the living death I was existing in before I got into therapy.
I will make you this promise, there is an end to it. The crying will stop, the flashbacks will get better and you will emerge from the other side of the turmoil of recovery stronger and more persistent than ever. The pain will not go on forever and one day you will awaken and realize you have had more good days than bad that week.
“When something bad happens you have three choices, you can let it define you, you can let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.” Author Unknown