I’m Going To Let My Guard Down


I rarely ever post online about what is going on in my private life. However, I’m making an exception today. I saw a video earlier of a woman who stated she was going to make a video series about living with Dissociative identity Disorder that wasn’t going to be educational, nor sensational. She wanted to be real and show folks what life with this disorder is like in the daily routine of life. That’s what I have decided to do as well.

So, here I am posting in a very public place about how I am doing today and what I have accomplished in the last several hours since I got out of bed.

To be frank, I haven’t done jack.

I’m exhausted from not sleeping several nights in a row and from the long road trips I had to endure last week. Don’t get me wrong, the trips were worth it. I took part in the filming of a pilot for a possible new reality series about dissociative identity disorder. There were makeup artists, lights, cameras, and directors. I wouldn’t have missed the experience for the world, but my body and mind do not take that kind of stress very well, and it has worn down my defenses.

I am also suffering (and I do mean suffering) from seasonal affective disorder (SAD), a form of depression that comes in the autumn when the days grow shorter and there is less sunlight. I was already dragging from this disorder when I decided to be part of the DID project, and it, more than anything, is why I feel so badly today.

Add all of that up when you have a severe dissociative disorder, and you’ve got a recipe for a dissociative episode.

Today, I feel detached from life and like I’m dreaming. I don’t care to do any of my usual activities. I haven’t written, listened to music, used the telephone, done any homework (I’m in college), or any of my other normal things today. I feel lonely, isolated, and fearful.

This is how a person living with a severe dissociative disorder can feel after too much stress and not enough sleep.


Why am I writing this? What do I need?

I don’t need sympathy, that’s not why i’m writing this.

I don’t need people to feel sorry for me or to pat me on the hand and tell me they understand.

What I need is time, sleep, quiet, and to regroup.

Yes, being alone and quiet means isolating, and you’d think that would mean more  loneliness, but I’m already very alone when among people, unless they too have hundreds of alter egos in their mind. Only multiples understand multiples, and that’s sad. It’s a shame that people don’t at least try to understand us. That’s why I’m involved with the afore -mentioned project, to raise awareness and to end the horrendous feelings of not belonging, and having to hide my disability from the world when among people who do not understand.

Keep me in your thoughts today. I’ll bob back to the surface soon, but today I feel defeated and unwanted.

Can anyone out there in Internet-land relate?

“Language has invented the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone, and it has invented the word solitude to express the glory of being alone.”

Paul Tullich

11 thoughts on “I’m Going To Let My Guard Down

  1. Shirley,

    My goodness! Yes! I can relate! Of course I can! I was a part of the filming project too in a VERY BIG WAY!
    Allowing strangers into my home, my safe zone, my yard, my place..
    having people put makeup on
    Having people touch my hair
    Oh.. the mic guy.. oh my goodness!!! HIM!!!! I had to tell him several times.. not now..
    I’m completely worn out!
    I posted something on Facebook because I need Support. You do what you need to do for you and your system. I have to try to keep getting out there because my system will totally shut down and it won’t be a good thing. I keep engaged with the world.
    Isolated.., oh yes. I feel isolated..
    Someone else I know was talking about doing a YouTube video too.,,

    Sending my thoughts…we are in this together!


    1. Oh don’t worry. I’ll still be involved in every project I can to get the word out. I just have to watch my stress levels. I’ve lost up to two years to dissociation before and I have no intention of that happening again. I will be involved with the show if they will have me, until they tell me to go away. I too found the mic guy a bit much, but I accepted it for what it was. I admire your tenacity and spunk. And I thank you so much for coming to my blog!!!! That means tons to me. This article was meant to stir a lot of conversation out there about DID and how it affects us on a daily basis. I know that it is your goal to get the word out that we are normal people with an extraordinary coping mechanism, not monsters or freaks. That’s my intention too. Keep smiling Jill, you’re making a whopper of a change in the world!!!


  2. This our first ever project. And what a leap too. We keep getting turned away from others but keep plugging along..
    someday we will be offered more. Maybe.
    Doesn’t matter.. speaking out now….


  3. Hello, I just wanted to say you are not alone, and I hear and validate your loneliness. Thank you for what you do, you are an inspiration to me. I wish I could go on a show and generally tell others about what goes on in my head. I may write a book about what it’s like for me on a daily basis. I have so many inside I can’t even count. And my therapist says I continue to make more parts too. Thank you for this post, I don’t feel so alone in this, and I hope by me saying this that you don’t feel so alone either.


    1. Thank you! I have been too stressed out recently and tired. Not good when you live with a disorder of this magnitude. I have received a few notes like yours and it does indeed make me feel much less alone. You can publish your book for free using createspace.com did you know that? Its a program by amazon. That’s how I published my first books. Again thanks for your comment and for reading my blog. This means a lot to me!!!


      1. thanks so much for the resource. me understand what you going through, me going through too. it means a lot to me that you have this blog. me going to go hang out with new peers now, scared, but try. wish there were peers there like me with DID, but oh well. hope you feel better today. me got lost for a year once,me was 5 for a year, me know it’s hard. me not very grounded right now. bye for now.


    1. Thank you so much. I’m much better today. I must watch my stress level more closely. I am receiving so much wonderful support like yours! I am humbled. Thanks again. Shirley


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