This piece may trigger anger or even rage in some of my readers, because I am going to speak on the subject of who is responsible for the actions of a DID system. I don’t believe in pussy-footing around, so be forewarned. Your toes might get stepped on. My hope is that after you have cooled off you will think quietly about what I’m about to say.
I know I’ve moaned and groaned a lot lately in my posts. However, that’s a good thing. Why? Because I’m learning to express and own my emotions.
Owning My Feelings and Emotions Sucks!
That’s all there is to it.
At least for now.
Gone are the days when I’d make a statement that is uncalled for or cruel and use the excuse that one of my alters said it. Yes, my others do blurt out the words, but they are me and I am them. That means I have those opinions and attitudes. Also, it means that only I am responsible for the apologies owed, and owning what I did.
This part of healing is horrendous! Now I am finally understanding that no matter what is said and done in this body, they are all my responsibility. To those who do not live with dissociative identity disorder, these statements I’ve made so far may seem obvious.
People without DID may be thinking, “Of course! One is always responsible for what they say and do.”
But if you live with the diagnosis of DID you understand. Some things happen when we hosts have been relegated to behind the scenes and aren’t totally aware of what is happening.
That Changes Nothing.
The only way to conquer dissociative behavior is to own what is done during it. This sounds harsh to those who are caught up in the drama of recovery from the horrible abuse that caused our diagnosis in the first place. However, it is reality.
If I call someone a name or make them feel badly about themselves, do they see another person’s body doing it? Do they see another person assaulting them verbally other than the one that I own?
No. They only see Shirley J. Davis being an asshole.
So, the moral of this post is that learning to take full responsibility for all my actions and thoughts is harder than hell, but I’m willing to do it.
Because with this acceptance of responsibility comes great power. I am more and more in control of my life because I have taken responsibility for what I do and say.
You see, if I tell someone my eighteen -year old self Bianca did something, then I am giving away power from myself. Bianca is me and I am her. To say, “Oh someone else did it” is acting childish. Children blame others for their behaviors, adults are supposed to admit their actions and own them. As well all know, children have little to no power in controlling their lives.
Owning Your Actions
That’s why being an adult is so much better and part of being an adult is owning your actions.
This post is hard for some to read. I have been attacked before by people who are lost in the maze of the diagnosis of DID and think I am belittling their experience.
I am not.
I’m Through Playing Games
I understand very well the trauma and drama that happens in recovery from this disorder.
I’ve played games with people’s emotions trying to garner sympathy because I felt unique and special. Not in a good way, but in a sick and terrible way. I felt the world owed me because of what happened to me as a child and the effects of that treatment in my adult life.
I have pushed people around, manipulating them to do what I want using my diagnosis as a shield. I have lived in the self-pity (perhaps not the right word because it isn’t quite what happens) that accompanies working on this disorder
However, I also know how wonderful it feels to pull myself out of the trap I had imprisoned myself in and to revel in the sunlight of self-pride and self-love.
Yes, what we went through as children was horrible. Yes, our lives have been forever altered by what they did to us. And, yes, we have the right to grieve our lost childhoods and lost opportunities.
But, the way to take back what was taken from us isn’t to live life using the diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder and its symptoms to manipulate others. The way back is to honor our pasts, and to work hard on building powerful lives in today.
I have left behind blaming my insiders for what I do and say. It is difficult, but it is the only way to say to my abusers, YOU LOSE.
“You are in control of your life. Don’t ever forget that. You are what you are because of the conscious and subconscious choices you have made.” Barbara Hall