The Reasons I Live

What is the motivation

For me to take my next breath?

What?

Is it because I feel safe?

Or that I feel free and have hope?

No.

So why?

Can I start my life over?

Can I choose better parents?

No.

So Why?

Will I have a loving relationship?

Kids, a career, self-esteem?

No.

So why?

Can I erase my childhood?

Can I make them love me?

No.

So why?

Reason one.

Life is what I’ve been dealt.

There are no second chances.

I live because I don’t know how not to.

I live on because I am too stubborn

To let the bastards win

I live because it is the only thing I know how to do

Can I escape?

Can I die early?

Sure, my name would fit nicely on a tombstone.

Reason two.

I won’t give in to the demands

Or allow the pain of the past to rule my life

Nor will I allow them to dictate my death

I will not and cannot surrender

Even though the pain is too great to bear

I am too hard-headed to quit

Reason three.

I live on to smear my life the in the faces

Of the family who disowned me

With every word I write and every breath I take.

I live on to be a witness

To what my abusers did to me

They will not escape unscathed

They pay for what they did

With every breath, I continue to take

Because I defy them

Reason Four.

I live on because I don’t know how not to

I find myself caught up in the maze

Of life and what it brings

No one has it easy

And life is unfair to all

This I have come to accept

I will live on for a few years

Until my body dies

A casualty of lust and narcissism

Reason Five.

I live on because I hate them

Plain and simple

For what they did to me

May they all burn in hell

I will on my death bed curse their names

I will never allow those still live

Who harmed me in my innocence to forget

NEVER!

Reason Six.

I live on to prove a point

That although you think you have won

And believe you are right

When what I see are damaged people

Not wanting to admit the truth

People who disowned a little girl

Who

Does that?

Who?

Bastards!

May you die horrible deaths

For what you have done to my soul

For the loneliness, you have brought me

May you know the pain of rejection

The broken heart and the broken spirit

You have cast onto me

I owe you NOTHING

I am going to continue telling the TRUTH

And no one, no one will make me silent

Reason Seven.

Grandpa died in the 90s

Alone in a nursing home

I got my justice when he took his last breath

He missed out on the love

That I felt for him

He missed out because of his lust

He tossed away what could have been

A grandfather’s greatest gem

A granddaughter who grew up happy

He chose to make my life a living hell

Instead of a safe haven from the world

He chose to sell me to his friends

BASTARD!

I live and smear the truth and my life in your eyes

Reason eight.

I live on to curse you, my father’s family

To watch the fate that awaits you

I am certain you will suffer

And that feels good.

You self-titled “victims”

Hiding from the truth

It will come back to haunt you

I promise you that.

I am alive because of my anger

I am alive because of my rage

I am alive because it is the best revenge

I can get against you

Reason nine.

I live on because of the flame

That burns hot against that old man

Who would not keep his lust to himself

I received a horrendous wound but did not die

My heart is strong and my will unbeaten

You disowning me only fueled my fires

He was a wicked bastard

Who god should never have allowed to live

He should have never taken his first breath

Reason ten.

I live on to reveal my anger

I live on to say these words

I live on because I refuse to die you mother fucker

I rail against the old man

I rail against his god

I rail against his lust toward me

I am the only one who has told the truth

About what he did

And I will NEVER be silent!

Many people know what he did

Many people know of his wickedness

Many people know of your shameful behavior

MANY!

Reason eleven.

I live on because I want to hurt you

Like you have harmed me

With my living, I shout the truth

I live on because of my rage

Because of the past, I cannot change

Because of the hope, I have lost

I RAGE!

I live on because I get revenge

With every heartbeat

With every word

REVENGE!

I hate you

I love you

I am your worst nightmare!

“Unspeakable feelings need to find expression in words. However, verbalization of very intense feelings may be a difficult task.”
~ James A. Chu

 

 

 

 

 

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