Sometimes, I get real on my website. I don’t always feel up and optimistic, no one can. I’m sorry that I shock people with pieces like this but I am not an island unto myself nor am I some kind of superhero. Sometimes I feel so lonely I want to turn inside myself and never come out.
When I was a kid, my body was not my own. My mother, my grandfather and his friends thought of me as a cheap and exciting way to get their kicks. They laughed at my pain, sorrow, and distress and didn’t care at all about the damage they were doing to my soul. I was trapped and raged inside screaming to the deaf world that I was alive, my body was not the toy of others, and that I mattered.
As I grew, the abusers in my life died one by one, but the damage done to my body, brain and psyche continued.
I find myself terrified of human touch, even though I crave it all the time. I want to be held and valued by someone, but I can’t bring myself to strike up a relationship or quickly sabotage it should one begin to form. I hide in plain sight choosing to not be noticed, not to be obvious, and not be loved.
So many people have gone away that I adored.
My best friend Barbara June, dead.
My beloved cousin Mark, dead.
The only man I’ve loved, Stephen, dead.
The therapist I thought loved me, retired.
You can kind of see why I avoid relationships today, people will inevitably either hurt or abandon me.
I know what you may be thinking, those people didn’t abandon me, they either died or retired. To that thought I say, I don’t care.
No matter how or why they left me alone in this cold world, it’s the feelings I have about their going that matter and I feel devastated inside.
My heart is feeling more like a desert; dry, barren, and blowing away like grains of sand on the wind. Bit by bit I’m dying inside because I need the watering and nutrition found only in love and caring.
Yes, I have those who care for me and even a few who love me, but these people are relatives and frankly, they don’t count. I want to have someone on my intellectual level to whom I can talk into the wee hours of the morning about physics, philosophy, and science. I crave someone to cherish me not because I’m a body, but because of who I am inside. I’m not looking for a sex partner, I’m looking for a life companion to share myself with on an equitable level.
I was married once to a man whom I injured badly. I got married to him while dissociated into another part of myself and never told him what happened. I led him along and allowing him to believe I loved him when in fact I did not. Worse, I allowed the charade to continue for eight years. When I finally told him I wanted a divorce, it devastated him for a while. I am grateful, though, that he was able to move on and have a solid relationship with someone else.
To Tony I say, I’m so sorry.
I don’t want to be used anymore. I want to be able to hold my head up high and feel confident and good about my life and who I am.
I’m so conflicted all the time where I live right now because I am contributing all I have and getting so little in return. I know I’m allowing myself to be used, but I feel frozen and trapped.
I don’t want much, just some peace in my soul and to not feel so defeated all the time anymore. To get up in the morning and not feel dread and fear for the day to come.
I don’t want to be afraid anymore. That’s all I want.
I know writing this is futile like it was when I was screaming as a child that I matter, but it is something I needed to do to keep going a little farther.
Loss, pain, fear, I seem to have had them in greater proportions than many but not more than all. Still, I feel exhausted and I don’t think I’ll feel better any time soon.
Will I ever get my wish and find someone who will allow me to grow into a relationship knowing full well and acknowledging I won’t trust them at first? Can someone out there love me despite the ugliness of my scars on my body from cancer and choose to enjoy my company despite my quarks? Is there someone out there for me?