Am I Real? Do I Fit Into the World? What Makes Me Stay Here?

Having dissociative identity disorder, sometimes I wake up in the morning asking myself some interesting yet devastating questions. The three self-exploring questions I’ve mentioned in the title are the biggest and hardest to answer.

During National Suicide Awareness Month, I felt it appropriate to ask and attempt to answer these questions and more.

Am I Real?

emotionally exhausted

I’ve been pondering these questions since I was a little girl because I have often like my life must be a television show and I’m trapped in it. Although I do experience some derealization, the feeling of being outside myself, this goes even deeper.

I can remember as a child sitting in front of the television watching sitcoms and thinking what was happening on the screen is the reality and I a dream.

I know, it was a way to escape, but if you can reassure yourself that none of what you experience isn’t real, then you can ignore a lot of vital things in life. These things consist of physically forgetting or not caring about personal hygiene and ignoring other people when they show affection.

Through feeling unreal I’ve been able to survive childhood and a whole lot of other traumas in adulthood. However, it has left me lonely, alone, and separated from others by a seemingly unbroachable gulf.

Do I Fit Into the World?

This may sound strange, but I have spent a good portion of my life believing that I don’t belong here. As a child, I thought I came from another world and my parents lost me but will return someday to take me home. Later, I thought the parents I lived with weren’t really mine, and that my birth parents would soon find me and take me away where I’d be loved.

Today, I just feel like I’m a stranger in a world where I do not nor have I ever belonged.

So, I ask myself often, do I fit into a world I cannot comprehend and that doesn’t understand me?

What Makes Me Stay Here?   

That’s a good question. The answer is so complicated, but I’ll attempt to answer it.

I stay here because I’m stubborn and don’t want the bastards to win. The bastards are those who hurt me and still hurt me today.

I stay here because the only alternative is death. I’m not afraid of death at all, in fact, I see it as an ally. That may sound strange, but I know someday I will die and finally be out of my misery.

I stay because my voice is one of a myriad of voices of reason in a world that has gone crazy. It would be beyond criminal to end my life and leave a world utterly in chaos behind.

I stay because I’m a survivor and that’s what I do.

I stay, basically, because I don’t know how to do anything else.

National Suicide Awareness Month

part two cptsd symptoms pic 2

I know this piece has been dark, but that is the essence of the depression and derealization that comes with DID. I’m being real so that you can see you are not the only person who feels like you don’t belong.

During National Suicide Awareness Month, I think of all the folks who lived with dissociative identity disorder who became victims and statistics because they died by suicide. It is important to me that you hear from my heart that you are NOT ALONE and you ARE NOT ABNORMAL.

You and I are totally normal for where we have been. Our experiences in childhood have made us who we are, but that doesn’t mean we can’t take those experiences and turn them around to an advantage.

I wholeheartedly believe that if I work at staying grounded, focus on who I am, and love myself despite my flaws that I will feel like I belong in this world and own my history.

If you are feeling suicidal right now, please, consider calling for help. It would be such a pity if you died by suicide without completing your mission on earth.

What is your mission? To make the world a better place not because of what happened to you, but despite it. By remaining alive and not allowing your voice to be silenced, you spit into the eyes of those who hurt you and prove those who think you are too far gone wrong.

2

After all, the saying goes that the best revenge is to heal. To give up now is to throw in the towel and to say, “You win” to the monsters who hurt you.

I don’t know about you, but them is fighting words!

Don’t become a statistic, call your doctor, your therapist, your best friend, call anyone who can help you not to die by suicide.

Please, I’m asking as a friend. Morgan

“The bravest thing she ever did was to stay alive each day.” ~ Atticus

 

6 thoughts on “Am I Real? Do I Fit Into the World? What Makes Me Stay Here?

  1. Thank you.. For this sharing. Pieces of mine own puzzle one did recognize in some of your words… Read this essay twice over, trying to gain some fuller understanding…Which understanding continues to elude me… Still, your words moved “me?”, to tell myself one more time “Not today. One can get through this day without harm to ones self, or anyone else in the world.” One has no friggin’ clue what to do with ones self in this “life” anymore. Often feeling like “my little town” and the whole U.S.A. is huge, open air insane asylum, with the most insane and murderous of the psychopaths and narcissists in charge of the “management.” One is so sick of feeling alone. Isolated; surrounded by a nation full of delusional serial killers. And always knowing that” I” am absolutely powerless to change anyone else’s thinking , or “the system” currently in power. Of hope, one is “running on empty” , but at least still in operation. I do wish you healing , and dreams coming true ahead of you in life..

    Like

    1. Even though evil people are in control of this world at present, they will cease to exist just as all the other evil men of the past have. You know who picks up the pieces after they have gone? People like you and me who know suffering and pain and can give a different insight into what those evil people did. We are strong, able, and wise people who are not self-centered and you know what? We are the sane ones. You hang in there and keep your chin up, and I will too. The world needs us, whether they know that today or not. We are survivors, that’s what we do. Shirley

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “Today, I just feel like I’m a stranger in a world where I do not nor have I ever belonged.” Oh, we understand exactly how you feel. You have no idea. M (And the gang)

    Like

  3. I have Derealization Disorder (albeit self-diagnosed, as it never made a difference to me whether or not I had it on paper, based on my research I’ve had it for most of my life) it has not hindered me in social situations, for most of those I’m on a sort of “auto-pilot” as I watch what’s going on around, at the age of 10 I considered myself a “neutral observer” of life and still do to this day. I’m so detached that I’ll occasionally look down and remember I have hands, and feet, and that I’m a person like everyone else, and not a disembodied soul exploring the world around me. It has advantages and disadvantages, for example, I’ve never gotten truly angry before, and even a sense of annoyance is rare; as I see the world in a constant “big picture” viewpoint that makes things like that inconsequential. One of the downsides is that I have very little attachment to my body as a whole, and while driving I have experienced the urge to crash in to oncoming traffic to experience what it’s like. I’m also always searching for connections; things to weld me onto the world I feel like I’m constantly floating above at head height, I devour books and shows at an alarming rate as my detachment from life allows me to enter the world of the story in a way that I doubt few others experience, I am at heart, a hopelessly old-school romantic and have been searching for someone to pin me down and keep me in touch with reality. It’s an interesting way to live, and not necessarily a bad one. But it is truly a very lonely existence.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that I understand in a way what you mean, I’ve never felt like I fit, but I’m fine with that, and when asking myself whether or not I’m real; I decided I didn’t care, I’ll experience this dream called life either way, so it’s never mattered.

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.