Having dissociative identity disorder, sometimes I wake up in the morning asking myself some interesting yet devastating questions. The three self-exploring questions I’ve mentioned in the title are the biggest and hardest to answer.
During National Suicide Awareness Month, I felt it appropriate to ask and attempt to answer these questions and more.
Am I Real?
I’ve been pondering these questions since I was a little girl because I have often like my life must be a television show and I’m trapped in it. Although I do experience some derealization, the feeling of being outside myself, this goes even deeper.
I can remember as a child sitting in front of the television watching sitcoms and thinking what was happening on the screen is the reality and I a dream.
I know, it was a way to escape, but if you can reassure yourself that none of what you experience isn’t real, then you can ignore a lot of vital things in life. These things consist of physically forgetting or not caring about personal hygiene and ignoring other people when they show affection.
Through feeling unreal I’ve been able to survive childhood and a whole lot of other traumas in adulthood. However, it has left me lonely, alone, and separated from others by a seemingly unbroachable gulf.
Do I Fit Into the World?
This may sound strange, but I have spent a good portion of my life believing that I don’t belong here. As a child, I thought I came from another world and my parents lost me but will return someday to take me home. Later, I thought the parents I lived with weren’t really mine, and that my birth parents would soon find me and take me away where I’d be loved.
Today, I just feel like I’m a stranger in a world where I do not nor have I ever belonged.
So, I ask myself often, do I fit into a world I cannot comprehend and that doesn’t understand me?
What Makes Me Stay Here?
That’s a good question. The answer is so complicated, but I’ll attempt to answer it.
I stay here because I’m stubborn and don’t want the bastards to win. The bastards are those who hurt me and still hurt me today.
I stay here because the only alternative is death. I’m not afraid of death at all, in fact, I see it as an ally. That may sound strange, but I know someday I will die and finally be out of my misery.
I stay because my voice is one of a myriad of voices of reason in a world that has gone crazy. It would be beyond criminal to end my life and leave a world utterly in chaos behind.
I stay because I’m a survivor and that’s what I do.
I stay, basically, because I don’t know how to do anything else.
National Suicide Awareness Month
I know this piece has been dark, but that is the essence of the depression and derealization that comes with DID. I’m being real so that you can see you are not the only person who feels like you don’t belong.
During National Suicide Awareness Month, I think of all the folks who lived with dissociative identity disorder who became victims and statistics because they died by suicide. It is important to me that you hear from my heart that you are NOT ALONE and you ARE NOT ABNORMAL.
You and I are totally normal for where we have been. Our experiences in childhood have made us who we are, but that doesn’t mean we can’t take those experiences and turn them around to an advantage.
I wholeheartedly believe that if I work at staying grounded, focus on who I am, and love myself despite my flaws that I will feel like I belong in this world and own my history.
If you are feeling suicidal right now, please, consider calling for help. It would be such a pity if you died by suicide without completing your mission on earth.
What is your mission? To make the world a better place not because of what happened to you, but despite it. By remaining alive and not allowing your voice to be silenced, you spit into the eyes of those who hurt you and prove those who think you are too far gone wrong.
After all, the saying goes that the best revenge is to heal. To give up now is to throw in the towel and to say, “You win” to the monsters who hurt you.
I don’t know about you, but them is fighting words!
Don’t become a statistic, call your doctor, your therapist, your best friend, call anyone who can help you not to die by suicide.
Please, I’m asking as a friend. Morgan
“The bravest thing she ever did was to stay alive each day.” ~ Atticus